Keeping yourself small and agreeable may have been the only way you felt safe and loved.
You don’t have to feel this way anymore. Learn to change your patterns and set new boundaries.
You’re stuck in unfulfilled relationships doing things you don’t like, because you fear being abandoned if you rock the boat by saying what you really think. You say sorry as soon as there’s a problem, even when you’re in the right, because you can’t bear the other person being upset with you. You keep getting dragged into things that you absolutely don’t feel comfortable with because the thought of saying no correlates with “I’m selfish and a bad person”.
You’re extremely steady and the go-to person for your friends when they’re trying to solve an issue. You’re great at being the mediator and not getting too involved, but you’re getting tired of always giving help and not receiving any.
People pleasing is a trauma response from growing up being told or shown that saying what you think or feel is bad and causes chaos or problems for others. Maybe love was conditional in your household and you only received it when you met high or unrealistic expectations from your parents. Maybe you were made fun of for what you liked: shows, music, clothing, etc. This could cause fear of rejection or abandonment unless you conform to like what everyone else likes. Or maybe you weren’t shown how to have healthy conflict, so it scared you and now you do all you can to keep the peace, even to your determinant. Disagreement = danger.
You may have also been told that being a good kid meant being quiet and in line, not boisterous or rowdy. If your natural affect is outgoing and silly, this may have been punished if you had a critical or strict upbringing. Even shy kids are going to be naturally loud and goofy at times. All of these personality types should be celebrated, not punished.
Over time, people pleasing can cause major stress and anxiety, along with depression. Even physical symptoms may start to arise. If you’re constantly trying to please everyone around you, that means you aren’t pleasing yourself. You can’t do both all the time. People are allowed to be upset with you, but if you rush in and try to fix it, even when there’s not really anything to fix, then you’re going to run yourself ragged. It’s exhausting. It can lead to little sleep, feeling overwhelmed, and lots of guilt and shame. It can be common to see panic and anxiety attacks arise when you go for so long pushing down your own wants and needs. You can go into overdrive and won’t function as well.
Some common symptoms of chronic people pleasing:
You find it difficult to say no, even when you’re stretched thin
You prioritize others needs before your own
You’ll do anything you can to avoid conflict
You seek approval and validation from others as a way to feel good about yourself
You fear being rejected and abandoned and will mold into whatever person others want you to be so that they’ll stay
You rethink something you said days later, wondering if somebody is upset with you because of it, even after they’ve told you they’re not
You’re feeling depressed, anxious, and unfulfilled because you’re spending your time bending to others wants and needs and not your own
You go with the flow and let others make the decisions to try and make things easier for everyone, but you secretly dislike or even hate the decisions being made.
You go to the salon to have your hair or nails done and it turns out nothing like you asked or you just don’t like it, but you say nothing at all due to fear of conflict or coming across as rude
You find yourself taking the blame and apologizing constantly for things that are not your fault, even in the slightest
You let yourself be treated poorly by others because you fear they’ll leave you if you aren’t agreeable and compliant to what they want
What working together will look like
After we schedule a consultation to determine if we are a good fit, we will meet for our initial intake session to get a sense of what your needs are and where I can help. I’m happy to help clients who want to have a happy, healthy, and positive relationship with themselves and their boundaries, so they can transform their own relationships and life. I enjoy working with clients who are motivated and willing to dig deep while doing some introspective work. I also use EMDR therapy to help clients find connections between their behaviors and thoughts, and to adapt these to a more positive state. You can read more about EMDR therapy and what it does here.
